back again

I'm back, at least for a while. i started a new job overnights at walmart, it's ok but not the best in the world. The more i get into my terrorism class, the more i want to make it my proffesion, and by that i mean becoming an analyst or something. I'm depressed, i'm going in tomorrow to the doctor to find out about my back, and i'm also going to talk about my depression symptoms. I hate feeling this way. i've loved a girl for almost two years now and the more i hang with her, the more i love her. unfortunatly i don't, "make her heart flutter" so she will never even think of dating me. this really doesn't go well with everything. I find myself crying all the time. i don't get enough sleep n the weekends because i work overnights and i just want to escape from this constant feeling of emptyness and pain. i'm hoping this helps ease my pain, but i'm crying as i write this. it's getting to hard to bare anymore.

how i'm feeling

I've been played too many times by women, whether they tell me they love me and yet can't be with me or stringing me along telling me how much they like me and then suddenly stop talking to me. I've been in several relationships and each one taking a little bit of my heart from me. I have a song called Macbeth and yes, it is about the play. i was listening to it today and i came to the realization that i am becoming more and more like Macbeth. The lyrics go,

"So Macbeth became quite callous, he had nothing left but malice and he couldn't show emotions like compassion joy or sorrow. When he heard his wife had died, he just said I would have cried and if it had been tomorrow and tomorrow and tomorrow. Though all his pals had left him he felt safe in Dunsinane, and he passed the time by putting armor on and off again."

The more i get treated like shit by women, the more i feel like i lose emotions, and I start becoming introverted and begin to armor myself against women, only to have one come in and force me to remove it before she slides the dagger into my chest.

Starcraft 2!!!!!!

Ok so, Starcraft 2 just came out and i want to play it! I have saved up a little money and am looking at geting a new game to play. I love real time strategy games and this is supose to be a really good one. I'm just not sure if it justifies buying the game for $59.99 i want something to play that i can play with friends as some of my friends are going to be moving away. i don't know what to do!!!! oh decisions decisions

empty shell

i feel like an empty shell right now, it's been a rough few weeks and i'm tired. I've tried as usual to put on a mask and show the world that nothing is wrong, but the mask is heavy. It keeps getting harder and harder to hold it in place. Switching rooms helped it for a little while because it gave me a focus, but now the focus is gone and i have started thinkingabout life. It's hard dealing with women, the more i care for them the more they seem to walk away. I guess it's my fault but i don't know how to fix it. I'm nice, i act laid back most of the time and i'm pretty good at making them think i'm calm and collected. i just wish i knew what they were thinking, i'm a nice guy, so why is it i get the run around?

classes for fall!!!

So lets see, i have a fundamentals of terrorism class taught by my old boss and math 130. Not sure what else i should go for this semester, i don't want to cram my schedule full of hard classes and i know i will be struggling in math, the terrorism class should be fun and a little labor iontensive. I know we will be going over the mid east and that is an area i only know a little about, mainly the crusades. we will also be touching base on the IRA (YAY!!!!) i know quite a bit about the IRA so hopefully i will do good in that department. we will have a term paper on a terrorist group of our choice, i'm deffinatly going to go for the IRA. other than that i'm not sure what we will be working or what the main goal of the paper is going to be. i thnk i might want to hit up a humanities class since i need some to graduate, maybe a public speaking one??? not sure and i'm deffinatly open to ideas!!!!!

I've got my room done!!!!

I'm done! me and my friend bekah painted the entire thing wensday and i have just finished moving all the heavy stuff. I have 3 desks all along two walls in a U shape, i tried to design it as best i could for networking multiple computers together. I hope this will allow my friends to come over and we can LAN and play some video games! I moved my bed into the loft area and have made a nice little reading area and a place to hold all of my guns and swords! i have been sleeping up there since thursday and it has been a blast!!! i can't wait to be 100% moved in

Painting!!!

I have finished painting the new room, it's an awesome shade of green called Irish Paddock!!! i love it and can't wait to get off work and go home so i can start hanging all my posters and flags up!!!!