back again

I'm back, at least for a while. i started a new job overnights at walmart, it's ok but not the best in the world. The more i get into my terrorism class, the more i want to make it my proffesion, and by that i mean becoming an analyst or something. I'm depressed, i'm going in tomorrow to the doctor to find out about my back, and i'm also going to talk about my depression symptoms. I hate feeling this way. i've loved a girl for almost two years now and the more i hang with her, the more i love her. unfortunatly i don't, "make her heart flutter" so she will never even think of dating me. this really doesn't go well with everything. I find myself crying all the time. i don't get enough sleep n the weekends because i work overnights and i just want to escape from this constant feeling of emptyness and pain. i'm hoping this helps ease my pain, but i'm crying as i write this. it's getting to hard to bare anymore.

how i'm feeling

I've been played too many times by women, whether they tell me they love me and yet can't be with me or stringing me along telling me how much they like me and then suddenly stop talking to me. I've been in several relationships and each one taking a little bit of my heart from me. I have a song called Macbeth and yes, it is about the play. i was listening to it today and i came to the realization that i am becoming more and more like Macbeth. The lyrics go,

"So Macbeth became quite callous, he had nothing left but malice and he couldn't show emotions like compassion joy or sorrow. When he heard his wife had died, he just said I would have cried and if it had been tomorrow and tomorrow and tomorrow. Though all his pals had left him he felt safe in Dunsinane, and he passed the time by putting armor on and off again."

The more i get treated like shit by women, the more i feel like i lose emotions, and I start becoming introverted and begin to armor myself against women, only to have one come in and force me to remove it before she slides the dagger into my chest.

Starcraft 2!!!!!!

Ok so, Starcraft 2 just came out and i want to play it! I have saved up a little money and am looking at geting a new game to play. I love real time strategy games and this is supose to be a really good one. I'm just not sure if it justifies buying the game for $59.99 i want something to play that i can play with friends as some of my friends are going to be moving away. i don't know what to do!!!! oh decisions decisions

empty shell

i feel like an empty shell right now, it's been a rough few weeks and i'm tired. I've tried as usual to put on a mask and show the world that nothing is wrong, but the mask is heavy. It keeps getting harder and harder to hold it in place. Switching rooms helped it for a little while because it gave me a focus, but now the focus is gone and i have started thinkingabout life. It's hard dealing with women, the more i care for them the more they seem to walk away. I guess it's my fault but i don't know how to fix it. I'm nice, i act laid back most of the time and i'm pretty good at making them think i'm calm and collected. i just wish i knew what they were thinking, i'm a nice guy, so why is it i get the run around?

classes for fall!!!

So lets see, i have a fundamentals of terrorism class taught by my old boss and math 130. Not sure what else i should go for this semester, i don't want to cram my schedule full of hard classes and i know i will be struggling in math, the terrorism class should be fun and a little labor iontensive. I know we will be going over the mid east and that is an area i only know a little about, mainly the crusades. we will also be touching base on the IRA (YAY!!!!) i know quite a bit about the IRA so hopefully i will do good in that department. we will have a term paper on a terrorist group of our choice, i'm deffinatly going to go for the IRA. other than that i'm not sure what we will be working or what the main goal of the paper is going to be. i thnk i might want to hit up a humanities class since i need some to graduate, maybe a public speaking one??? not sure and i'm deffinatly open to ideas!!!!!

I've got my room done!!!!

I'm done! me and my friend bekah painted the entire thing wensday and i have just finished moving all the heavy stuff. I have 3 desks all along two walls in a U shape, i tried to design it as best i could for networking multiple computers together. I hope this will allow my friends to come over and we can LAN and play some video games! I moved my bed into the loft area and have made a nice little reading area and a place to hold all of my guns and swords! i have been sleeping up there since thursday and it has been a blast!!! i can't wait to be 100% moved in

Painting!!!

I have finished painting the new room, it's an awesome shade of green called Irish Paddock!!! i love it and can't wait to get off work and go home so i can start hanging all my posters and flags up!!!!

New Room!

So i'm moving into a new room at my house. It's the upstairs section and doesn't get much air or heat so i have to have a portable AC unit and heater for it. i still love it though, it's bigger than my old room and it has a loft area for my bed and all my reading stuff. I'm so excited to be moving! I'm also painting the room, it's going to be green, the shade is "Irish Paddock"! i think it looks really cool and can't wait to get it done!!!

More History

Ok so most everyone has seen the movie Braveheart, i like the movie despite it's historical inaccuracies. There was a war in Scotland against the English and yes, Robert the bruce did play a part, in fact him and his brother also played a role in a rebellion in Ireland. Edward the the Bruce, brother to Robert led an army of around 6000 guys into Ireland to help drive out the Englich. This grand Gaelic alliance wwas to free both Ireland and Scotland and bring the too together as allies. The only problem was that it was an ill planned foray with no thought to supplies. The army , despite huge success in battle ran out of food and had to resort to stealing from the Irish public. To make matter worse after a couple of years a famine broke out and the food supply dwindled even more. the icing on the cake came as the army of Robert the Bruce came to Scotland to help complete the conquest of the gaels. This increased the number of soldiers on the field but only worsened the food supply. after about a year Robert returned to his dear Scotland and the steam of conquest fizzled out and Ireland suffered yet another failed rebellion.

Work is boring

Work's boring, i can only surf the net so much. I'm also having trouble finding stuff to write about. I'm still house sitting and it's ok, neighbor's have stared me down everytime i see them. This includes telling me that they can see my license plate, which i have set up on the dash so people can see it... it's all kinda weird, i feel unwelcome but it's only until saturday after that i don't have to worry. i have had a friend over everynight and i sleep with the house locked. I just don't like living in the city i guess. part of it is probly cause this is pretty much the longest i have stayed in the city at a time. usually it's a day or so, i deffinatly prefer the country, it's open and wide. Call me introverted but i don't like living in such close proximity to othre people.

house sitting for a friend

This week i have been house sitting for a friend while he and his wife travel to LA. So far it has been a real pleasure and i have gotten a lot of time to think to myself. I have also gotten back to reading my book on Irish poetry which has poems from several of the major leaders of the Nationalist movement. I have been reflecting on how i am currently spending my life. I think i'm on the track to sorting out my llife. I've started to really care about cleaning and trying to look nice no matter what the occaision. i think this is going to be a cornerstone in my life, along with college.

My views on writing

In high school i hated english, i thought that noone wanted to hear what i had to say and to be honest, i never thought i could write anything worth reading. The first two teachers i had for english i really enjoyed. They taught me very wel, but i still never thought i would be a good writer. I wasn't smart enough to pick out all the grammatical errors from sentences. To me this was the biggest part of writing, because i couldn't tell what good sentence structure was i figured i would fail at writing. My next teacher taught me to hate english. Most of the class was focused on reading and giving out our ideas on what we read. I remember that any idea i had about the reading was wrong in her eyes. To her, we students had to conform to what she thought the reading was. I always have problems with changing my views to fit someone elses, so this rubbed me wrong. I remeber a scene from the great gatsby in which the character was riding on a train the reading went on to describe the way the sky was grey and thick. To my teacher this was obviously a description of the dreayness of his life and other symbolism. However if you study history, you will note that during the time period the country ran on coal power, now the emmision of using coal is a heavy grey smoke. I'm not saying that she was wrong and i was right, but that in the words of frued,, sometimes a cigar is just a cigar. My next teahcer i loved and still do even though i dropped out of the class. She was really cool and really insightfull about the books we read and i got on with her really well. The problems i had were more outside of class and writing papers. I had extracurricular activties from 6:30 in the morning until 5:30ish in the evening, now add a job from 6:30 PM till 10:30-11 pm and you don't get much time to put in for homework. The papers had to be approved by her before they could be turned in for a grade, i can see how this could be a good thing, however if our ideas clashed on how the writing looked, it ment that the paper would never make it to final draft. after getting an F in the class i decided to drop it. I figured after this i would never be in another English class ever again, this leads me to my first college english class. I arrived at the first day of class nervous and dreading what english had in store from me, i found myself put at ease by my instructor. I decided that semester that i was going to do the absolute best i could and give english another try. This caused me to stay down in the writing center for many a night. I was surprised to find that i received an A on my first paper in college. This made me happy and i continued to do well in the class except for some unfortunate accidents. My next class went right along with my first and i ended with yet another A. As i look back on this i wonder if it was the freedom to choose my subject that allowed me to succeed in the class, or if i really have gotten the hang of writing. One thing is for sure, i have since thought of possibly trying my hand at writing something, possibly a history book maybe.

little bit of Irish history

Ok, i'm kinda bored at work and in between writing prompts, so i've decided to give everyone who reads this a little bit of Irish history. Lets talk about the divide on Ireland. Most people believe that the division comes because of hatred between the two main religous groups, the Catholics and the Protestants. Although the religions do play a role, they are not the driving force between the groups. The reason that religion came to mark the division was that the English who claimed Ireland were part of the church of England. When England became protestant, Ireland did not follow suit. As England began to use the process of Plantation, the moving of english settlers onto land stolen from the native Irish, they established a division based on socia economics; this ment that the native Irish were held under a foreign power. These foreigners for the most part were Anglicans and scotch presbyterian. As they grew in power, they began to make laws to crush and subjugate the Catholic population. Most of this was done fearing an uprising from the majority Catholic population. Since then, they have been fearful of letting go of power because they believe that under catholic leadership they would be subject to the same laws they put on catholics. When Ireland became a republic, England decided to partition the land in which the majority of Unionist, those who want Ireland to remain a part of England. This went on to further the divide between the groups as the republic felt that all of Ireland should be counted in the decision to become a republic. This created the two political identities of the Unionist and the Nationalists, and it is this reason that there is fighting going on over there.

"Snow or sand? Write a poem or story where snow or sand plays a major part."

Sgt. Lynch, he was the guy you could go to for anything. He was the embodiement of an NCO, he never judged and always understood. I remember him as being a fatherly figure, the one that every man grows up wishing his dad was like. He had a way of looking at a person and figuring out what they needed as far as friendship. he was a chameleon, constantly changing his ways as he met each of his friends, yet he was able to maintain each of his personaes amongst a large group of men. he was everything to everybody. We weren't suprised when we got the call to deploy, most of the others of our division had been called. this was what i had been waiting for, what i had been training for since i stepped moff the greyhound at 30th AG to begin my military life. At first deployment was sorta fun, the excitment of being in a new place with different people. I was ione of those rare indivuals, my drill sargeants called me stupid. I liked talking with people, the thrill of meeting someone from a strange place and learnign their costums, this was what kept me going. It's hard to find someone like me in an infantry unit, i like to say i am one of a kind. patrols were always fun, being in town, talking to the locals and learning more about their beliefs. Kids though, kids were my weakness; everyone reminded me of my neices and nephews at home. i looked into their eyes and saw how happy i could make them with something so simple as giving them a piece of candy. Naturally this has gotten me in trouble many times with my superiors. It was this weakness that got Sgt Lynch killed. we had just hit the halfway point of our patrol when we stopped for a breather, some of us got out and set up a perimeter, me i foolishly walked away ffrom the group. i headed for a somewhat secluded spot to eat my MRE. As i was beginning to eat i heard the sound of children, naturally i turned and watched as the group started coming over to me. i had earned quite a reputation as the candyman in these parts, they soon surrounded me each one begging for some little piece of sweets. i never saw the grenade; it still kills me to think that someone trained the child to give up their life, their future wasted to inflict damage to people who were sent over to bring peace. Sgt Lynch had just begun to walk toward me to tell me about changes to the duty roster. He had a way of seeing everything in a crowd, he didn't over look the grenade. he made it just in time to shove me down. i got up to the horror of dead and dying children, at first i though Sgt lynch was still alive, he was wearing all of his equipment. grenades are a horrific weapon, they shoot out tiny fragments of metal; it was one of these that drove itself through his temple and right into his brain. there was nothing i could do, by the time the medics got there he was gone, lost along with his leadership. they went on to save some of the kids, but nonone could have saved them all. Even as i think about it,, the image of the sand comes back to me, red, clotted with the bloodof innocent children and a good man. it was seeing this surreal imagine that i took it upon myself to contact his family and to hopefully bring to peace the the images that have plagued me.

Finals!!!!!

so here's the deal, finals are coming up and i need time to study/drink my pain away. wish me luck on my finals!!!

Come up with 10 good reasons why you shouldn't write your life storey

Well lets see, to start out with no one would read it. It would be about as dull as watching grass grow. The next one would have to be that i haven't done anything that would echo down the generations. I haven't started any wars, nor ended any. I have not contributed to the sciences or furthered world peace. I'm a nerd and who needs to here about them. I haven't done anything with my life. No one wants to hear about someone who got discharged from the army. No one has even read this blog. there i believe i made it with some extras.

What to write about

Well right now i can't think of much, my mind is scrambling trying to process everything. I have an ex who is dating someone, says she loves me and yet wont dump him, she doesn't think it wise that we hang out and i still have feelings for her. i hate this i hate her and i love her. i want someone i can be intimite with and i can share my soul with. I don't think it's ever going to be possible, she was the only person i could share my soul with. i hate this, i feel like a failure all the time, nothing seems to work out and everyone thinks it's a simple fix. I'm shy around girls, people don't seem to understand this and they just say well go get a girl. i can't it's hard to talk to them and idk what to say. all i want is a relationship that i can trust, one that wont hurt me.

Write a 150 word profile of someone named Margret Mallory

Margret grew up in Derry, she was born after the 1972 Bloody Sunday massacre. She is a catholic and a nationalist, she has a slender build and has the red hair of a goddess. She is kind in all things and is always there to lend a helping hand. She has seen many tragedies in her life, including the death of her Father, who was shot by a group of loyalist thugs. She has been a supporter of Sinn Fein ever since she could vote. She went to Trinity College in dublin and holds a degree ion Irish history. She teaches at one of the smaller universities in Ireland. She is single and waiting for the right man to come along, someone who shares her love of Irish history and would love her unconditionally.

Write about something that Bothered you this week

this is a perfect prompt for this week as i have had one of the worst weeks in a long time. To start off, i have woken up at 6 every morning, doesn't matter what time i go to sleep or anything. I have somehow lost my hat that i have worn just about every day for 3 years. Monday i forgot my work keys and had to drive all the way back home from school to get them, that took 50 minutes out of my day. I also forgot to pickup my dinner which ment i was stuck hungry at work for my shift. Tuesday again woke up at 6 still couldn't find my hat, and my car shutsoff as i'm driving on a round about, it's done it before and it has cost me a couple hundred to get it fixed. So i had to borrow my parents jeep. work was pretty boring, i got loads of papers to copy now. I then had to wait around wall mart for an hour for my dad to get off work so i could take him home. Today i still can't find my hat and i walked out of the house without my phone. I also have a friend who is supporting my Dr Who addiction by getting me the episodes of this season as they air; this week he has forgotten to bring them since monday. To top it all off, since Monday i have had a sense of Depression that i can't seem to fight off, i just feel like curling up and crying yet i can't seem to do it, i can't find anything to change it and my friends seem to have dissapeared as the depression set in and i am having trouble talking to people. I just want all the little things in my life to go away, they just seem to pile up and pile up. I'm also having to find a new job for the summer so i can make money this summer. I just wanna scream so bad!!!!!!

writing prompt, i deserve a _______

hmmmm well lets see, i don't think i deserve anything really, sorry to dissapoint the world but i can't think of anything i have done in my life that warrants me to deserve something. I guess i can say what it is that i want out of life though. I want to be happy, i want to be able to study Irish history at my leasure and i want to live out in the woods somewhere. i would like to move to Ireland and live somewhere in the hills where i can look out on the valley and see how beautiful it all is. I want to have a beautiful woman by my side that supports me in all things i do and will never stop loving me. I want to be happy with myself and not feel ashamed that I was discharged from the military. I want people to respect me and not judge me when they find out that i was discharged. It seems funny how much one little thing can ruin your life and hurt your very core of being, but thats what being discharged has done. Friends have looked down upon me, and i have lost several. I try to look on the bright side and see that even though i have lost friends, i have gained new ones and new oppurtunities from the path that i am on now. Even with this, i still can only think of the failure in my life. It has almost become an obbsession, nothing i do seems to lift this failure from my shoulders and i feel the weight grow heavier as i move along and acquire more and more failures. sometimes it seems as if i will fall under the weight of everything but somehow i keep afloat.

hopefully getting back into writing about me

so i know i haven't been writing on here, but life has been pretty depressing. i'm going to try to use some writing prompts and just do a little free write for my next couple of blog posts.

Well it's been a while, i haven't been inclined to write. Not that anyone looks at this and reads it. Right now this is a way for me to vocalize my life. School is going alright, still have a 4.0 but it looks like it is going to change here and the end of the semester. i'm trying to think of things that are funny and engages people to actually read my blog. I guess it doesn't matter anyway, i'm not funny, well maybe in person but you would have to know me and understand the caliber of nerd i am.